Did you take Emotional Intelligence 101 in school? Me neither. Most of us never had any formal or intentional teaching on how to identify and express our emotions.
In some families, children grow up with rich emotional vocabulary. For these children, their parents are comfortable naming feelings, understanding them, and helping their kids understand how their emotional states can impact their behavior. For many of us though, we were taught (directly or indirectly) that emotions should be controlled, minimized, or even avoided. Sometimes we are left with the message that our feelings do not matter. Understandably, this can lead to more difficulties identifying and understanding emotions as an adult. The good news? These skills can be learned in adulthood.
The first task in growing emotional intelligence is to learn the language of emotion. If you know the words you can begin to match your emotional experience with the words that represent those experiences. The Feeling Wheel, while certainly not exhaustive or definitive, can be useful in helping you find the right words.
When we are able to put language to our experiences, it helps us to know how to care for ourselves in a healthy way as well as communicate more effectively to those around us. In other words, identifying what you are feeling and why, provides us with important information that can help move us forward. For example, if I am able to identify that I am feeling lonely, I am better able to care for that feeling by processing it and identifying the unmet desire or longing I have. Maybe I also recognize my longing to be connected or to feel understood. Identifying this longing to feel understood can then allow me to understand what I can do for myself or how I can ask the people around me for support. In this instance, I could call a friend and ask them if they are available to talk.
A good place to start is by trying to access the core emotion that is found in the inner circle. You can then work your way outward to identify the more vulnerable or specific feeling.
Understanding what you’re feeling at a given moment can help you to make better decisions, move through uncomfortable emotions, and communicate better with the people you care about. Remember, like anything else, learning to recognize your emotions takes time. It’s a process and takes practice. Go ahead and give it a try. You can download a printable Feelings Wheel here.